Apologetic City Officials Admit Expressway Median Wasn’t Best Location For Off-Leash Dog Park

TRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In hindsight, the decision to place a park for dogs to run around unrestrained in the area … Read more

New Long John Silver’s VR Headset Provides Immersive Deep-Frying Experience

LOUISVILLE, KY—Promising a fried-food adventure more exciting than any before it, a new Long John Silver’s virtual reality headset released this week will provide an immersive and unrivaled deep-frying experience, according to company officials. “With this cutting-edge technology, our customers will get a hyperrealistic, fish-eye view of what our pollock fillets and shrimp actually see … Read more

Conservatives Explain Why They Are Homeschooling Their Kids

For some conservatives, no school can be “anti-woke” enough. The Onion asked right-wing Americans why they are homeschooling their kids, and this is what they said. 2 / 25 Phil Briance (Lab Technician) Phil Briance (Lab Technician) “Schools are funded by taxes, taxation is theft, and I’ll be damned if I let my own children … Read more

Man Hopes Nicely Dug Grave Will Get Him Back In Captors’ Good Graces

TEMPE, AZ—Vowing to go above and beyond to impress his abductors, local man Nate Hahn expressed hope Tuesday that a nicely dug grave would get him back in his captors’ good graces. “I know we kind of started off on the wrong foot, but if I can just get this burial plot absolutely perfect, I’m … Read more

Amazing In-Flight Perks That Airlines Had In The 1960s

If you think Spirit Airlines is luxurious, just wait until you see this. Here are the most amazing in-flight perks that airlines had in the 1960s. Key Parties Naughty passengers would throw the keys to their luggage into a bowl and take home whatever suitcases they ended up with. Gourmet Peanut Meals Instead of foil … Read more

Failure To Stand On One Leg For 10 Seconds Linked To Increased Risk Of Death

According to a new study, middle-aged people who cannot stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds are at higher risk of dying within the next decade, with researchers saying the simple balance test may be useful to include in routine physical exams for people over 50. What do you think? “I’d rather die … Read more

Kid With Kitchen Play Set In Bedroom One-Upped By Poor Friend Who Sleeps Next To Real Stove

HOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison Fritsch, who reportedly has a kitchen play set in her bedroom, had been one-upped Friday by a poor friend who actually got to sleep next to a real stove. “Wow, I thought having a toy kitchen in … Read more