Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Michael Jordan’s Era

LOS ANGELES—Declaring that fans would “never again” see a comparable player or prices, Skip Bayless reminded viewers Monday that gas never hit $5 per gallon during the Michael Jordan era. “When Jordan captured his first title, you could fill up your entire car for $19—I’m talking the entire tank for under 20 bucks,” said Bayless, … Read more

Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade

Urologists say that men are rushing to get vasectomies in the wake of abortion bans in several states, with some clinics seeing a 300% to 400% spike in people looking to receive consultations for the reversible male sterilization procedure. What do you think? “I’d do anything to ease the pain and injustice of wearing a … Read more

What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony

Cassidy Hutchinson, an aide to then-President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, testified this week before the House committee investigating the January 6 riots, offering new information about the actions of Trump and his inner circle that day. The Onion answers crucial questions about who Cassidy Hutchinson is and what she told the committee. Q: … Read more

New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night

LOS ANGELES—In stunning footage that for the first time reveals the full range of the plant kingdom’s nocturnal behaviors, a new documentary released Friday has confirmed the long-held theory that flowers obtain their food by hunting at night. “We’ve always suspected that flowers stalk their prey when its dark and rest during the day, but … Read more

NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

WASHINGTON—Saying the ambitious new project would be a historic, once-in-a-generation leap forward in the annals of space exploration, NASA announced Friday its plan to put the moon on Mars by 2040. “Ever since we first sent a man to the moon half a century ago, the American people have been waiting for us to take … Read more

Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner

HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better … Read more

Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It

Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think? “Wow, my two favorite things put together: … Read more

Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Lamenting that it would never again be able to relish the game as it was intended, the nation reportedly admitted Friday that it was unable to enjoy baseball without dozens of pitchers hitting .124. “How am I supposed to find these games interesting without the ninth batter being some overmatched pitcher who swings … Read more

Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster

COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as he rolled … Read more